demonicmiracle | (duplicity) ic contact

[Crowley groans, over-dramatic as always.]

Bringing Up Baby, for fuck's sake. I'm going to make you watch a film from this century, at least.

[Maybe there's one or two that Aziraphale will actually like.]

Right, me chasing you around the planet is very brooding and tortured of me.

It was a perfectly lovely film. Katharine Hepburn had a particularly standout performance. So did the leopard.

[He adds it with a perfectly straight face.]

Oh. Don't you even try to pretend you can't brood with the best of them. Certainly not all the time. That would get exhausting for anyone.

Hard to go wrong with a leopard in a film.

[As much as he'd like to make an argument about not brooding, he... can't.]

Exhausting, sure. Thank someone I don't spend all day brooding. [It's hard to pretend to be serious when he's still straddling Aziraphale's lap, but he's trying his best.

But another thought occurs to him.] Is that why you were flirting with Alessandro?

[He certainly is the type, especially with the outfits.]

[He blinks at him, head tipping and jerking back just a touch.]

What? No. I flirted with him because he flirted with me first. It was fun and frivolous. He reminds me very much of some of the men from the club. Sorts you just don't see anymore. Why? Did it bother you? Should I not?

[Hm.

It was an idle comment, spoken without thinking, but now he realizes this might be the sort of thing they should likely talk about. He goes quiet for a second, regarding Aziraphale thoughtfully.]

Would be a bit hypocritical of me to say you can't flirt with anyone, I think.

[That's not what he asked. He skims his hands down to settle them at his hips again, a secure hold without being overly intrusive for the conversation.]

I don't care about that. Does it bother you? If it does, you have some say in this.

[The truth is that yes, it did bother him, at least a little, but he's sure that he's probably not allowed to really... tell Aziraphale what he can and can't do. Especially in Duplicity, especially when he's seeing someone else.

The problem is working out how to not lie about it.]

It's not — [He sighs, lifts a shoulder in a lazy shrug.] It's fine, angel. Even if it did bother me, that'd be on me, not you. Since we're not doing the whole monogamy thing, you can flirt with whoever you want to. And more, I suppose, knowing this place.

Stop.

[Firm now. He has dropped any trace of playfulness.]

If something happens that forces me, we both know that's out of our control, and I like to think that neither of us would ever hold something like that against the other.

If it bothers you, you have every right to say so. Let me be the one to decide whether that's fair or not. I know you care about that young man. It doesn't threaten me or upset me. I'm relieved you were able to form a connection here. I don't know if I could've done the same in your place. I don't...I feel differently about humans than you ever did.

[He squeezes, as though he can impress the words into him by touch.]

You've been honest with me about it. You're not doing things behind my back. If you feel threatened when I flirt, then I won't. It's that simple. It's my decision to make. All I'm asking is for your honest feelings about it.

[He knows that tone well enough, forces himself stop and pay attention, hands settling lightly on Aziraphale's chest. This is important, he knows it is, it's just difficult, too.]

I wouldn't. Hold something like that against you. M'well aware it's outside our control.

[Not that he's actually slept with anyone aside from Martin and Aziraphale for a while now. Since the last time with Lyall, but he hasn't forgotten how it felt in the aftermath, realizing he hadn't had full control of himself, and he'd never blame Aziraphale for anything that happened like that.]

And I'm not threatened, I know you're not about to run off with anyone else. [He does, logically, although that doesn't stop the anxiety. But the fact that Aziraphale is asking directly for the truth means he has to give it, it wouldn't be fair not to.] I was a bit jealous, I guess. Doesn't have to be a big deal.

[He nods. He didn't think he would. It's good to bring up the possibility, when they both know it's likely sooner or later. Being on the same page never hurts.]

No, it doesn't, because I don't have to do it again. It's just flirting. It isn't worth making you feel bad. I'm perfectly capable of having an entertaining time with people without interacting in that particular way.

[He can't have this conversation like this; he feels restless and a little trapped, suddenly, so he slips off Aziraphale's lap, taking a few steps away to avoid looming over him.]

It's just jealously, angel, happens to everyone. You're not making me feel bad by flirting sometimes, if that's what you want to do.

[He thought this was important to talk about, and it still is, he just didn't think it'd go like this and now he feels... guilty? Like he's forcing Aziraphale to act or not act a certain way, just because he hasn't got a hold on his feelings.]

You don't have to take my every bloody feeling into account.

[He lets him go, because he can tell trying to hold onto him in this mood would only make him feel worse.]

I wish you'd stop doing that. Minimizing your feelings. I'm not saying any of this because I have to. If I thought I had to, we'd have a problem.

I want to. I want to take your feelings into account when determining how I conduct myself, just as you do for me. I don't understand... Please, help me to understand why it bothers you that I'm taking what you want into consideration.

[Crowley bites his tongue against a flare of anger, because he knows it'd just be a misdirection, that bringing up all the times Aziraphale has disregarded his feelings would only be cruel to the both of them.]

I don't know. [Still a little sharp, because sharpness is easier than vulnerability, but it's the truth.] I haven't got a good answer for you. Just don't like that it feels as if I'm telling you what you can and can't do.

[Even though that's not what this is.]

Well, you're not. In fact, I'd like to see you try.

[Somewhere under that is a little bit of humor, because really, when has he ever done anything he was told to do by anyone except Her?

He resists the urge to stand up. It would only escalate the emotions of this, and that wouldn't be productive.]

I am saying...[He puts his hand to his own chest.]...that making you jealous isn't a price I'm willing to pay for one type of interaction. You aren't telling me I can't. You're being honest about how it makes you feel. Honesty I asked you for. I'm grateful you trust me enough to give it.

Now please trust me enough to know I'm not letting you manage me in some way, or dictate what I do. It's my decision to make.

[Crowley shoots him a dark look, because the thing is, he doesn't have to tell Aziraphale to do something to make it happen. They've been playing games with each other for millennia, and Crowley knows how to get what he wants. The Arrangement, looking after Warlock, so many things were his ideas and he just had to find a way to convince Aziraphale to play along.

It's not what he's doing here, it's just so easy to see how he could. But Aziraphale is being calm and sensible and asking him to trust him and some of the fight goes out of Crowley. He runs a hand through his hair, trying to work out some of the extra energy.]

I don't mind what you do when I'm not around. [It can't bother him if he doesn't have to see it, after all.

He huffs a breath, arms crossed over his chest. Protective, defensive.] I'd just rather not have it rubbed in my face, is all.

[And it had felt a bit like that, when it was in his home.]

Going behind your back? No thank you. [His brows drop down in a straight line.]

And I hope that you understand I don't want things taking place behind my back, either. If it's something it would bother you for me to see or know about, then assume it's probably something that shouldn't be happening. Flirty or otherwise.

I am sorry if that's what it felt like to you. I believed that you would know anything in front of you wasn't even slightly serious. That I'd not disrespect you that way.

It isn't going behind my back if I told you it's alright.

[Crowley sighs, casting a glance skyward in a habit that he hasn't been able to break for some six thousand years, before he crosses back to Aziraphale. Rather than take up his earlier position, he kneels in front of him, hands braced on his thighs.

It's an apology, of sorts, for getting angry.]

This is new to the both of us, yeah? What I know and what I know can be two different things. If that — makes sense.

[The line-brow deepens to a frown. He covers his hands when he knees.]

If it's something that bothers you in front of you, doing it behind your back is worse. Besides, how is that fair at all to anyone on the receiving end of it? We can do this only if Crowley isn't around. So then they're what, my dirty secret?

No. If anything, that would only give someone else the impression it is way more than it ever could be to me. I may be ignorant of a lot of social conventions. I know what makes a man a cad.

It does make sense. I'm not even slightly upset with you for how you feel. I hope you understand that.

[The demonic thing to say would be something about how there's nothing wrong with a dirty secret, but Crowley isn't in the mood for that role.]

I'm trying to understand.

[He turns over a hand, tangles their fingers together and squeezes gently. It's not easy, letting his feelings out into the open, trying to trust that they won't be taken as something wrong, but he's trying.]

And that's not... really how I see it, I suppose. [He's calmer, at least, that curl of unpleasantness-uncertainty-turned-anger isn't there anymore, now that he's decided to trust Aziraphale.] S'like, you don't want to know the details of what I'm doing with Martin, but it's alright that it's happening, cause you know about the... general shape of it, I guess? You want to flirt with people, have a bit of fun with 'em, that's okay. If it turns into more than that, we have another conversation. It's just different when I'm around cause it's — [Self-reflection sucks, actually, but he's trying to sort through his feelings. Trying to pinpoint why things bother him beyond just the fact they do.] It's as if I'm not.. enough. When I'm right there and you flirt with someone else.

[This truly is new. They've never gotten this far into anything like this without Crowley either shutting down, getting off a parting shot, and leaving or him turning cold and cutting rather than admitting his feelings are hurt.

He returns the squeeze and listens all the way through. He inhales slowly and leans forward to press a kiss to his forehead.]

My darling, that could never be true. And I would never do anything deliberately to send you that sort of message.

[He lifts his hands to kiss them, too.]

It pains me that it happened carelessly. It won't again. Not if I'm in control of myself at all. I need you to understand. With Mister Tarabatti... It hearkened back to a different time for me. I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment and have a dance. To interact in a way that I haven't in a very long time. I didn't allow it to get serious, and I wouldn't have. If anything, I believed the fact that you were there was ample indication it was a lark.

That was my mistake. I didn't know how you'd take it. And I apologize. I don't need or want anyone else. I never will.

[It's taking a considerable amount of restraint to not do any of those things, as much restraint as it's taking not to shift forms and hide under the couch because that would be easier than this open, honest discussion about feelings. It's an uncomfortable sensation, admitting this deep-seated fear. That he's not enough, that he won't ever be enough, because he wasn't enough for God.

But this is part of being together. It isn't just dates and sex and curling up on the sofa to read. They have to talk about these things, and they have to be honest. It helps that Aziraphale is being gentle with him, he smiles slightly at the kisses, lets his fingertips brush against his cheek.]

S'alright, you don't have to explain yourself to me, or apologize. Isn't like you did any of it on purpose. [That isn't something he needs, though he does appreciate the reassurance.] Probably didn't help that he's a bit like me, just with more gleeful murdering. [He sighs, pressing a kiss to Aziraphale's knee.] But — thank you. For understanding. Think I'm just a bit sensitive, really.

[He's happy to see that smile, however slight. It means they're making progress. Until...]

Gleeful what??

[Crowley reels back slightly, though not alarmed, just sort of surprised by the surprise.]

Oh, did I not mention the first time I met him he slit an unconscious man's throat?

No, Crowley. Somehow when telling me of all your friends, you left that little detail out.

[Which begs the question what else doesn't he know about the rest of them. That's neither here nor there right now.]

He's not really my friend, actually, he's just the professor's boyfriend.

[That's why he ended up with an invite, because Lyall did, and Crowley does get along with Lyall.]

I've always sort of wondered about those two. Lyall's nice as anything, but I imagine people could say the same about an angel and a demon.

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