demonicmiracle | (duplicity) ic contact

[He knows that tone well enough, forces himself stop and pay attention, hands settling lightly on Aziraphale's chest. This is important, he knows it is, it's just difficult, too.]

I wouldn't. Hold something like that against you. M'well aware it's outside our control.

[Not that he's actually slept with anyone aside from Martin and Aziraphale for a while now. Since the last time with Lyall, but he hasn't forgotten how it felt in the aftermath, realizing he hadn't had full control of himself, and he'd never blame Aziraphale for anything that happened like that.]

And I'm not threatened, I know you're not about to run off with anyone else. [He does, logically, although that doesn't stop the anxiety. But the fact that Aziraphale is asking directly for the truth means he has to give it, it wouldn't be fair not to.] I was a bit jealous, I guess. Doesn't have to be a big deal.

[He nods. He didn't think he would. It's good to bring up the possibility, when they both know it's likely sooner or later. Being on the same page never hurts.]

No, it doesn't, because I don't have to do it again. It's just flirting. It isn't worth making you feel bad. I'm perfectly capable of having an entertaining time with people without interacting in that particular way.

[He can't have this conversation like this; he feels restless and a little trapped, suddenly, so he slips off Aziraphale's lap, taking a few steps away to avoid looming over him.]

It's just jealously, angel, happens to everyone. You're not making me feel bad by flirting sometimes, if that's what you want to do.

[He thought this was important to talk about, and it still is, he just didn't think it'd go like this and now he feels... guilty? Like he's forcing Aziraphale to act or not act a certain way, just because he hasn't got a hold on his feelings.]

You don't have to take my every bloody feeling into account.

[He lets him go, because he can tell trying to hold onto him in this mood would only make him feel worse.]

I wish you'd stop doing that. Minimizing your feelings. I'm not saying any of this because I have to. If I thought I had to, we'd have a problem.

I want to. I want to take your feelings into account when determining how I conduct myself, just as you do for me. I don't understand... Please, help me to understand why it bothers you that I'm taking what you want into consideration.

[Crowley bites his tongue against a flare of anger, because he knows it'd just be a misdirection, that bringing up all the times Aziraphale has disregarded his feelings would only be cruel to the both of them.]

I don't know. [Still a little sharp, because sharpness is easier than vulnerability, but it's the truth.] I haven't got a good answer for you. Just don't like that it feels as if I'm telling you what you can and can't do.

[Even though that's not what this is.]

Well, you're not. In fact, I'd like to see you try.

[Somewhere under that is a little bit of humor, because really, when has he ever done anything he was told to do by anyone except Her?

He resists the urge to stand up. It would only escalate the emotions of this, and that wouldn't be productive.]

I am saying...[He puts his hand to his own chest.]...that making you jealous isn't a price I'm willing to pay for one type of interaction. You aren't telling me I can't. You're being honest about how it makes you feel. Honesty I asked you for. I'm grateful you trust me enough to give it.

Now please trust me enough to know I'm not letting you manage me in some way, or dictate what I do. It's my decision to make.

[Crowley shoots him a dark look, because the thing is, he doesn't have to tell Aziraphale to do something to make it happen. They've been playing games with each other for millennia, and Crowley knows how to get what he wants. The Arrangement, looking after Warlock, so many things were his ideas and he just had to find a way to convince Aziraphale to play along.

It's not what he's doing here, it's just so easy to see how he could. But Aziraphale is being calm and sensible and asking him to trust him and some of the fight goes out of Crowley. He runs a hand through his hair, trying to work out some of the extra energy.]

I don't mind what you do when I'm not around. [It can't bother him if he doesn't have to see it, after all.

He huffs a breath, arms crossed over his chest. Protective, defensive.] I'd just rather not have it rubbed in my face, is all.

[And it had felt a bit like that, when it was in his home.]

Going behind your back? No thank you. [His brows drop down in a straight line.]

And I hope that you understand I don't want things taking place behind my back, either. If it's something it would bother you for me to see or know about, then assume it's probably something that shouldn't be happening. Flirty or otherwise.

I am sorry if that's what it felt like to you. I believed that you would know anything in front of you wasn't even slightly serious. That I'd not disrespect you that way.

It isn't going behind my back if I told you it's alright.

[Crowley sighs, casting a glance skyward in a habit that he hasn't been able to break for some six thousand years, before he crosses back to Aziraphale. Rather than take up his earlier position, he kneels in front of him, hands braced on his thighs.

It's an apology, of sorts, for getting angry.]

This is new to the both of us, yeah? What I know and what I know can be two different things. If that — makes sense.

[The line-brow deepens to a frown. He covers his hands when he knees.]

If it's something that bothers you in front of you, doing it behind your back is worse. Besides, how is that fair at all to anyone on the receiving end of it? We can do this only if Crowley isn't around. So then they're what, my dirty secret?

No. If anything, that would only give someone else the impression it is way more than it ever could be to me. I may be ignorant of a lot of social conventions. I know what makes a man a cad.

It does make sense. I'm not even slightly upset with you for how you feel. I hope you understand that.

[The demonic thing to say would be something about how there's nothing wrong with a dirty secret, but Crowley isn't in the mood for that role.]

I'm trying to understand.

[He turns over a hand, tangles their fingers together and squeezes gently. It's not easy, letting his feelings out into the open, trying to trust that they won't be taken as something wrong, but he's trying.]

And that's not... really how I see it, I suppose. [He's calmer, at least, that curl of unpleasantness-uncertainty-turned-anger isn't there anymore, now that he's decided to trust Aziraphale.] S'like, you don't want to know the details of what I'm doing with Martin, but it's alright that it's happening, cause you know about the... general shape of it, I guess? You want to flirt with people, have a bit of fun with 'em, that's okay. If it turns into more than that, we have another conversation. It's just different when I'm around cause it's — [Self-reflection sucks, actually, but he's trying to sort through his feelings. Trying to pinpoint why things bother him beyond just the fact they do.] It's as if I'm not.. enough. When I'm right there and you flirt with someone else.

[This truly is new. They've never gotten this far into anything like this without Crowley either shutting down, getting off a parting shot, and leaving or him turning cold and cutting rather than admitting his feelings are hurt.

He returns the squeeze and listens all the way through. He inhales slowly and leans forward to press a kiss to his forehead.]

My darling, that could never be true. And I would never do anything deliberately to send you that sort of message.

[He lifts his hands to kiss them, too.]

It pains me that it happened carelessly. It won't again. Not if I'm in control of myself at all. I need you to understand. With Mister Tarabatti... It hearkened back to a different time for me. I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment and have a dance. To interact in a way that I haven't in a very long time. I didn't allow it to get serious, and I wouldn't have. If anything, I believed the fact that you were there was ample indication it was a lark.

That was my mistake. I didn't know how you'd take it. And I apologize. I don't need or want anyone else. I never will.

[It's taking a considerable amount of restraint to not do any of those things, as much restraint as it's taking not to shift forms and hide under the couch because that would be easier than this open, honest discussion about feelings. It's an uncomfortable sensation, admitting this deep-seated fear. That he's not enough, that he won't ever be enough, because he wasn't enough for God.

But this is part of being together. It isn't just dates and sex and curling up on the sofa to read. They have to talk about these things, and they have to be honest. It helps that Aziraphale is being gentle with him, he smiles slightly at the kisses, lets his fingertips brush against his cheek.]

S'alright, you don't have to explain yourself to me, or apologize. Isn't like you did any of it on purpose. [That isn't something he needs, though he does appreciate the reassurance.] Probably didn't help that he's a bit like me, just with more gleeful murdering. [He sighs, pressing a kiss to Aziraphale's knee.] But — thank you. For understanding. Think I'm just a bit sensitive, really.

[He's happy to see that smile, however slight. It means they're making progress. Until...]

Gleeful what??

[Crowley reels back slightly, though not alarmed, just sort of surprised by the surprise.]

Oh, did I not mention the first time I met him he slit an unconscious man's throat?

No, Crowley. Somehow when telling me of all your friends, you left that little detail out.

[Which begs the question what else doesn't he know about the rest of them. That's neither here nor there right now.]

He's not really my friend, actually, he's just the professor's boyfriend.

[That's why he ended up with an invite, because Lyall did, and Crowley does get along with Lyall.]

I've always sort of wondered about those two. Lyall's nice as anything, but I imagine people could say the same about an angel and a demon.

Oh, I see. Professor Lyall? He is pleasant. We met at the mingle when I first arrived.

[He scoffs very softly.]

I'm sure you're getting a great deal of that. Crowley, how can you? An angel? Really?

[He didn't have to look deeply in the room to feel the tilt of the meter toward the dark with very few exceptions.]

[There's something else they might need to talk about there, but he files it for at least a few seconds.]

The witches think it's very kinky of me. The demon equivalent of knife play, I guess. And Pru's worried that you'll break my heart, it's sweet.

[He adores her.]

Kinky? How in the devil is it kinky?

Pru...the one decked out in snake skin that night? Seemed...nervous, so I kept my distance.

[If she's worried about Crowley's feelings, she can't be that bad.]

Suppose 'cause it's a bit extreme. Not much can hurt me, can it? But you could.

[So... the demonic equivalent of intense BDSM, even if they're not actually doing anything dangerous, just being vulnerable around Aziraphale is a risk.]

That's her, yeah. Angels hunt witches, where she's from, she's had a run in or two. I told her you'd not hurt her, but...

[He shrugs. Sometimes that isn't enough.]

[He bites back his, "But I wouldn't," because he already has. Twice. It doesn't matter that one of those times was an accident and the other was some other version of him. It was still him. The name proves that.]

Maybe in time. Or I can simply avoid her if she'd prefer. I don't wish to scare anyone.

Give it a bit of time, maybe? I'm quite fond of her, but you don't have to be friends with all my friends.

[Especially not with the witches or any other demonic-aligned people.

But now that they've got that out of the way, he decides to circle back to a previous thought.]

Since we're sort of on the topic, d'you want to know about people I've slept with? Or might sleep with, if it's not in my control?

She can set the pace or not as she chooses.

[He won't seek her out.

He frowns thoughtfully, not wanting to throw out an answer before he has time to think about it.]

If they mean something to you, on some deeper level, then yes. I want to know. If it's in the future...only if it's something that gets emotional. I don't want you feeling like you can't talk to me about things or like you have to hide being hurt or confused. Or drawn to someone.

If it's casual and doesn't have much impact, I don't need to know unless you wish to tell me.

Will you want to know? There hasn't been anyone else so far.

None of the others have meant anything. Couple of them weren't — great, but it was a while ago now. I'll do that, though, tell you in those cases.

[He appreciates the reassurance around being able to talk about it, even if he might never take Aziraphale up on the offer, it's nice to know it's there. And those things can always be discussed without naming names, if it comes to it.

As for his own feelings on the matter, he considers it in turn, though in truth he's already thought about it, so his response comes quickly enough.]

About the same for me, I'd like to know if it's more than just sex. Or if something happens you need to get off your chest, I'm here, too.

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