demonicmiracle | (duplicity) ic contact

Our Arrangement back home worked as well as it did because we had some ground rules about mutual expectations. It didn't hurt that we had the respective home offices looking over our shoulders.

We have never done as well in personal disputes because our emotions get in the way, and because we don't have any mutually agreed upon expectations.

I don't want to repeat how we hurt one another. I feel like if we can come to an agreement about how to fight, it will help. Does this sound fair to you?

[Okay, it's not a "you're awful and I don't want to see you anymore" text, so that's a good start.

The whole point of personal disputes is that emotions get in the way, he's pretty sure, but he can understand the expectations part.]

Laying down some ground rules, yeah? Sounds reasonable.

I take it you've got some in mind, you'd not have brought it up otherwise

[This part is harder. He can feel his heartbeat speeding already. All the better reason to type it out. Crowley can't see he's anxious and feed off of it in a spiral, or vice versa.]

I do. The first one is that we don't intentionally use things against one another that we know are insecurities or vulnerabilities.

Accidents can happen. I'm sure we'll trip up sometimes. As long as it's not a deliberately chosen barb, that's easily forgivable.

[If he can't agree to this one, then this is going to be a very difficult conversation to have.]

[He immediately understands why Aziraphale chose to do this over text, because the little spark of anger that flares up is unpleasant at best and unproductive at worst.

He swallows it down after a second.]

Probably a good idea. Question is what happens if we break these rules?

Keeping a level head during arguments isn't much my strong point

[They both know each other too well that it's easy to dig into weak points, and Crowley isn't great at keeping a handle on his anger.]

If things get heated, whoever needs space can take it, with the understanding it's to cool off. Whoever leaves ought to contact the one left behind within two hours, either to say he is ready to continue the discussion or that he needs more time.

That way it doesn't feel like abandonment, and there is a clear time expectation. No one is left hanging.

I imagine both of us may break some of these rules at first while we're learning to adjust. Consequences ought to be simple and straightforward. If the rules are broken, the fight stops. Right then. Until the one who lost his temper can rein it in and try again.

[It's all very... sterile, which doesn't feel much like a fight at all, but he understands where Aziraphale is coming from and why he thinks this is necessary.

Things can get awful between them, even if they don't have the luxury here of avoiding each other for several decades.]

Alright, sure. Two hours and no getting cruel with each other. Was there anything else?

[A first test, he supposes, of trust and whether he can be vulnerable with him when they're not distracted by physical intimacy. But no. Before that, he ought to ask him what he wants, or it's too much an edict from on high and defeats the purpose of making rules.]

Is there anything you want to propse?

I don't know. Not lying to each other, even if the truth's not great? Not sure how enforceable that sort of thing is

[He's thinking of the way Aziraphale shuts down and shuts him out, but he won't say that specifically.]

We'd have to agree on the definition of a lie. Do you think we can do that?

[It's a very serious question. The way he sees dishonesty and the way Crowley does are two very different things.]

Fair point

How about no saying we're fine when we're not, that's probably an alright start

It is, with the caveat that, "I don't know," can be a fair answer. It's not always easy to identify a feeling right away.

'Course. I barely know what's going on in my head anyway

[Sort of a joke?]

Not lying to each other is a good policy in or out of a fight, especially with the things that can happen in this place.

[And now he's back to something vulnerable, or close to it. He can't meet him in the levity right now.]

Anything else?

I sort of figured it went without saying the rest of the time

Not that I can think of, we can always update the rule book if something comes up?

Yes, fair.

In the spirit of that I have a confession about the other night. It ended well. Very well, and I feel like we reached an understanding we had been working toward ever since I arrived here.

[It's actually a while before this text arrives. He sits for longer than he wants to need to in order to say this.]

I stayed for you when I needed to leave. I was very upset. I ran roughshod over that because I knew leaving you would hurt you. I intend to make an effort not to do that in the future. I hope you'll make an effort to do the same if the situation is reversed.

The fact that it worked out doesn't change the fact that it was a bad decision. It could have just as easily gone the other way and made everything worse.

[Oh.

He knew that, deep down, it's why he tried so hard to cover up how hurt he was in the first place, but he failed, and Aziraphale stayed even though he didn't want to and Crowley feels a little sick with having that laid out so plainly.]

Right

I'm sorry

[It's the best he can manage when his hands are shaking a little.]

It worked out. It also made me realize we both do better with rules. We always have. If we can avoid winding up in that same situation in the future with something worse, then all the better.

I'm sorry I was dishonest with you that night. I did the best I could with what I had at the time. I want to do better by both of us going forward.

Fuck's sake, angel, don't apologise for something that's my fault

[He should've kept his shit together more, or he shouldn't have taken advantage when Aziraphale told him to kiss him.]

I don't want to fight at all, we did enough of it back home

I'd dearly love it if we could also not talk about blame in regard to that night. We both made mistakes based on misunderstanding, and it's all right. We're going to do that.

I don't want to fight, either. However, realistically I know we will. We care too much and have too much history. As long as we focus more on bridging our divides rather than scoring points on each other, fostering trust rather than undermining it, then any fight we have will only be an opportunity to come away stronger afterward.

It's never been about scoring points. You know that, don't you?

[The only reason he lashes out during fights is because he gets hurt and doesn't know how else to deal with it. It's never been a case of trying to score points.]

How would I know that, Crowley?

We've said and done some awful things to each other, hurt each other badly enough that we go decades or longer without speaking. We're not nice people. Either of us.

[He stares at the screen for a while, trying to figure out how to put what he's trying to say.]

On Earth we had to be that way. That's a very long time of maintaining a fractious and hostile charade. It hasn't left us with much for modeling a better way, has it? Not when we're angry or hurt.

Edited 2020-03-16 05:52 (UTC)

[Several responses are typing, scrutinized and ultimately deleted for being too emotionally vulnerable or too mean. That's the problem with texting for a more emotionally heavy conversation, it's easier for him to not say what immediately comes to mind, which means he actually has to think about it.]

I know, I know.

I'm trying to be better. About the way I am.

[Angry and nasty, especially when he's hurt.]

So am I, darling.

This isn't just a you problem or just a me problem. It's not a blame problem. I can't tell right now if you're just using your usual economy of words or if you're upset.

Should I come over?

[He nearly types "I'm fine" before remembering they agreed not to do that literally a few minutes ago.]

Bit of both, I'm no good at all this talking business if I have too much time to think about it

Probably better to keep your distance. I'll be right

[He's still just feeling awful about the fact he made Aziraphale stay when it was bad for him to do so.]

I don't like how that sounds. You're upset so I should keep my distance? Isn't that the opposite of what we're trying to do?

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