demonicmiracle | (duplicity) ic contact

[Oh.

He knew that, deep down, it's why he tried so hard to cover up how hurt he was in the first place, but he failed, and Aziraphale stayed even though he didn't want to and Crowley feels a little sick with having that laid out so plainly.]

Right

I'm sorry

[It's the best he can manage when his hands are shaking a little.]

It worked out. It also made me realize we both do better with rules. We always have. If we can avoid winding up in that same situation in the future with something worse, then all the better.

I'm sorry I was dishonest with you that night. I did the best I could with what I had at the time. I want to do better by both of us going forward.

Fuck's sake, angel, don't apologise for something that's my fault

[He should've kept his shit together more, or he shouldn't have taken advantage when Aziraphale told him to kiss him.]

I don't want to fight at all, we did enough of it back home

I'd dearly love it if we could also not talk about blame in regard to that night. We both made mistakes based on misunderstanding, and it's all right. We're going to do that.

I don't want to fight, either. However, realistically I know we will. We care too much and have too much history. As long as we focus more on bridging our divides rather than scoring points on each other, fostering trust rather than undermining it, then any fight we have will only be an opportunity to come away stronger afterward.

It's never been about scoring points. You know that, don't you?

[The only reason he lashes out during fights is because he gets hurt and doesn't know how else to deal with it. It's never been a case of trying to score points.]

How would I know that, Crowley?

We've said and done some awful things to each other, hurt each other badly enough that we go decades or longer without speaking. We're not nice people. Either of us.

[He stares at the screen for a while, trying to figure out how to put what he's trying to say.]

On Earth we had to be that way. That's a very long time of maintaining a fractious and hostile charade. It hasn't left us with much for modeling a better way, has it? Not when we're angry or hurt.

Edited 2020-03-16 05:52 (UTC)

[Several responses are typing, scrutinized and ultimately deleted for being too emotionally vulnerable or too mean. That's the problem with texting for a more emotionally heavy conversation, it's easier for him to not say what immediately comes to mind, which means he actually has to think about it.]

I know, I know.

I'm trying to be better. About the way I am.

[Angry and nasty, especially when he's hurt.]

So am I, darling.

This isn't just a you problem or just a me problem. It's not a blame problem. I can't tell right now if you're just using your usual economy of words or if you're upset.

Should I come over?

[He nearly types "I'm fine" before remembering they agreed not to do that literally a few minutes ago.]

Bit of both, I'm no good at all this talking business if I have too much time to think about it

Probably better to keep your distance. I'll be right

[He's still just feeling awful about the fact he made Aziraphale stay when it was bad for him to do so.]

I don't like how that sounds. You're upset so I should keep my distance? Isn't that the opposite of what we're trying to do?

[What if he just goes and lives in the ocean because emotional vulnerability is hard.]

Not your fault I'm upset, I'll get over it

You weren't upset before I started talking to you, so I can only assume I have something to do with it. If I said that to you, "I'll get over it," would you happily leave me to it?

[He knows better.]

Still not your fault

I don't know. Probably not? But it's not a big deal, angel, just feeling a bit guilty, is all.

If it's about what I said, you have nothing to be guilty for.

I wanted to be honest with you because hiding things from each other is self-destructive. I didn't want to put a cudgel in your hand for you to beat yourself with. I just wanted to provide some context for why having an idea of how to fight will be helpful. I'm not upset or angry with you at all.

Wouldn't a whip be more appropriate if we're talking self-flagellation?

[He's got jokes! Because he hates this!]

I should've let you leave

You didn't make me stay. I chose that.

Now I'm trying to choose not to keep making the same mistakes, because we can hurt each other so viciously without even trying.

If both of us have an ironclad understanding that walking away to cool off or regroup isn't walking away, then we'll both manage ourselves better in those situations, I think. Feel less guilty in needing that time and taking it.

Do you need me to stop talking about this?

[There's a slight delay before the response finally comes.]

Last time we walked away from each other after a fight, you were gone when I tried to come back for you

May I please come talk to you? Or would you prefer to come here?

I'm sort of in public. I'll come to you

[He'd been taking a walk through the park, which isn't the greatest place for an emotional conversation, so a few seconds later he appears in the middle of the bookshop, feeling... shitty and ridiculous. Not a great conversation.]

Hey.

Hey.

[He sets his phone aside, stands, and approaches, spreading his arms but not encroaching.]

May I?

[It's weird, being offered comfort when he still feels like it's his fault that he's even upset in the first place, but it's Aziraphale, and Crowley's terrible at saying no to him, so he steps into his arms.

His own come up around his shoulders, head turned away because he's still wearing his sunglasses and is polite enough not to press them into his cheek.]

[He wraps him in his arms and rests his chin on his shoulder, letting out a soft sigh. Maybe texting him was a bad idea. Maybe he should have just started here. He doesn't know.]

I wish I was better at all of this. That I knew how. But I don't think anyone has that luxury. We get to do what the humans do. Muddle through the best we can.

Humans don't often have some six thousand years of bullshit to work through.

[Because that's what they're doing, in a way. Six thousand years of playing games a certain way, of hurting each other accidentally and sometimes on purpose, of loving without anywhere to put that love.]

You're doing alright. Can't be easy to manage this sort of thing with a demon.

[He draws back a little to cup his cheeks in both hands.]

No harder than it is being a demon trying to manage with an angel, I'd wager. I wish... I feel like you think you're the problem somehow. You're not. I know this is hard for you. I'm hard to deal with.

What were you talking about just now? About the last time we parted after a fight I was gone? Was that after I was discorporated?

You're not hard to deal with.

[He's far too on display like that, and is grateful that he hasn't taken his glasses off yet. At least it hides his eyes.]

I — yeah, s'about that. I came to find you, 'cause Hell had come for me and it didn't matter that you'd all but told me to fuck off, I wasn't going to let them... [He shrugs, gaze cast down.] You know the rest. The bookshop on fire and you nowhere to be found, couldn't even sense you anymore.

[He's talked about the basics of this, but it's still not easy.]

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