demonicmiracle | (duplicity) ic contact

[The line-brow deepens to a frown. He covers his hands when he knees.]

If it's something that bothers you in front of you, doing it behind your back is worse. Besides, how is that fair at all to anyone on the receiving end of it? We can do this only if Crowley isn't around. So then they're what, my dirty secret?

No. If anything, that would only give someone else the impression it is way more than it ever could be to me. I may be ignorant of a lot of social conventions. I know what makes a man a cad.

It does make sense. I'm not even slightly upset with you for how you feel. I hope you understand that.

[The demonic thing to say would be something about how there's nothing wrong with a dirty secret, but Crowley isn't in the mood for that role.]

I'm trying to understand.

[He turns over a hand, tangles their fingers together and squeezes gently. It's not easy, letting his feelings out into the open, trying to trust that they won't be taken as something wrong, but he's trying.]

And that's not... really how I see it, I suppose. [He's calmer, at least, that curl of unpleasantness-uncertainty-turned-anger isn't there anymore, now that he's decided to trust Aziraphale.] S'like, you don't want to know the details of what I'm doing with Martin, but it's alright that it's happening, cause you know about the... general shape of it, I guess? You want to flirt with people, have a bit of fun with 'em, that's okay. If it turns into more than that, we have another conversation. It's just different when I'm around cause it's — [Self-reflection sucks, actually, but he's trying to sort through his feelings. Trying to pinpoint why things bother him beyond just the fact they do.] It's as if I'm not.. enough. When I'm right there and you flirt with someone else.

[This truly is new. They've never gotten this far into anything like this without Crowley either shutting down, getting off a parting shot, and leaving or him turning cold and cutting rather than admitting his feelings are hurt.

He returns the squeeze and listens all the way through. He inhales slowly and leans forward to press a kiss to his forehead.]

My darling, that could never be true. And I would never do anything deliberately to send you that sort of message.

[He lifts his hands to kiss them, too.]

It pains me that it happened carelessly. It won't again. Not if I'm in control of myself at all. I need you to understand. With Mister Tarabatti... It hearkened back to a different time for me. I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment and have a dance. To interact in a way that I haven't in a very long time. I didn't allow it to get serious, and I wouldn't have. If anything, I believed the fact that you were there was ample indication it was a lark.

That was my mistake. I didn't know how you'd take it. And I apologize. I don't need or want anyone else. I never will.

[It's taking a considerable amount of restraint to not do any of those things, as much restraint as it's taking not to shift forms and hide under the couch because that would be easier than this open, honest discussion about feelings. It's an uncomfortable sensation, admitting this deep-seated fear. That he's not enough, that he won't ever be enough, because he wasn't enough for God.

But this is part of being together. It isn't just dates and sex and curling up on the sofa to read. They have to talk about these things, and they have to be honest. It helps that Aziraphale is being gentle with him, he smiles slightly at the kisses, lets his fingertips brush against his cheek.]

S'alright, you don't have to explain yourself to me, or apologize. Isn't like you did any of it on purpose. [That isn't something he needs, though he does appreciate the reassurance.] Probably didn't help that he's a bit like me, just with more gleeful murdering. [He sighs, pressing a kiss to Aziraphale's knee.] But — thank you. For understanding. Think I'm just a bit sensitive, really.

[He's happy to see that smile, however slight. It means they're making progress. Until...]

Gleeful what??

[Crowley reels back slightly, though not alarmed, just sort of surprised by the surprise.]

Oh, did I not mention the first time I met him he slit an unconscious man's throat?

No, Crowley. Somehow when telling me of all your friends, you left that little detail out.

[Which begs the question what else doesn't he know about the rest of them. That's neither here nor there right now.]

He's not really my friend, actually, he's just the professor's boyfriend.

[That's why he ended up with an invite, because Lyall did, and Crowley does get along with Lyall.]

I've always sort of wondered about those two. Lyall's nice as anything, but I imagine people could say the same about an angel and a demon.

Oh, I see. Professor Lyall? He is pleasant. We met at the mingle when I first arrived.

[He scoffs very softly.]

I'm sure you're getting a great deal of that. Crowley, how can you? An angel? Really?

[He didn't have to look deeply in the room to feel the tilt of the meter toward the dark with very few exceptions.]

[There's something else they might need to talk about there, but he files it for at least a few seconds.]

The witches think it's very kinky of me. The demon equivalent of knife play, I guess. And Pru's worried that you'll break my heart, it's sweet.

[He adores her.]

Kinky? How in the devil is it kinky?

Pru...the one decked out in snake skin that night? Seemed...nervous, so I kept my distance.

[If she's worried about Crowley's feelings, she can't be that bad.]

Suppose 'cause it's a bit extreme. Not much can hurt me, can it? But you could.

[So... the demonic equivalent of intense BDSM, even if they're not actually doing anything dangerous, just being vulnerable around Aziraphale is a risk.]

That's her, yeah. Angels hunt witches, where she's from, she's had a run in or two. I told her you'd not hurt her, but...

[He shrugs. Sometimes that isn't enough.]

[He bites back his, "But I wouldn't," because he already has. Twice. It doesn't matter that one of those times was an accident and the other was some other version of him. It was still him. The name proves that.]

Maybe in time. Or I can simply avoid her if she'd prefer. I don't wish to scare anyone.

Give it a bit of time, maybe? I'm quite fond of her, but you don't have to be friends with all my friends.

[Especially not with the witches or any other demonic-aligned people.

But now that they've got that out of the way, he decides to circle back to a previous thought.]

Since we're sort of on the topic, d'you want to know about people I've slept with? Or might sleep with, if it's not in my control?

She can set the pace or not as she chooses.

[He won't seek her out.

He frowns thoughtfully, not wanting to throw out an answer before he has time to think about it.]

If they mean something to you, on some deeper level, then yes. I want to know. If it's in the future...only if it's something that gets emotional. I don't want you feeling like you can't talk to me about things or like you have to hide being hurt or confused. Or drawn to someone.

If it's casual and doesn't have much impact, I don't need to know unless you wish to tell me.

Will you want to know? There hasn't been anyone else so far.

None of the others have meant anything. Couple of them weren't — great, but it was a while ago now. I'll do that, though, tell you in those cases.

[He appreciates the reassurance around being able to talk about it, even if he might never take Aziraphale up on the offer, it's nice to know it's there. And those things can always be discussed without naming names, if it comes to it.

As for his own feelings on the matter, he considers it in turn, though in truth he's already thought about it, so his response comes quickly enough.]

About the same for me, I'd like to know if it's more than just sex. Or if something happens you need to get off your chest, I'm here, too.

[He nods. It's somewhat troubling to think of anything being disturbing to him, yet realistically, he can't expect to shield him from such experiences or fix the past.

He smiles faintly and squeezes his hands, bringing them together between his.]

Thank you, Love.

[Like Crowley, he's not sure he would bring it to him if he was burdened or upset somehow. He appreciates knowing he could.]

It's hard to foresee anything becoming serious outside of us, but if it ever did, of course I'd be honest.

[Something soft and relieved crosses his face at that admission, a series of words that he didn't realize he needed to hear until he did.]

Mm, can't imagine I'd have ever — you know, if you were here.

[But he'd been alone, and he hadn't ever expected Aziraphale to turn up.]

I know that. You think I don't?

[He reaches to cup his cheek.]

You were here alone for months. You found someone kind. And if I know you as well as I think I do, someone you knew needed you to be kind to them.

I'm old, Crowley. Set in my ways. I like my solitude, and you and I can't live together here regardless. It works. That's what matters.

Doesn't hurt to say it.

[His eyes close almost on instinct as he leans into the touch, the last of the tension draining out of him.]

I've no idea what you're talking about. [His tone says otherwise, a hint of humor there. He's just playing at it because he's been vulnerable enough for this conversation and admitting that he's drawn to people who need kindness is a step too far.] We're both old, and anyway, don't think we'll seeing as much of each other. Martin's having some trouble with his boyfriend. [He opens his eyes just so Aziraphale can see him roll them.] Have I mentioned how glad I am I don't have to babysit you?

No, it doesn't.

[And it wasn't unwelcome to hear it, despite the fact he had no doubts about this. His expression says he knows Crowley is full of it. It's enough of a call out for him.

It's unfortunate about the relationship trouble. There's much about human relationships he doubts he'll ever understand. He's much more capable of speaking to the rest of that.]

I wouldn't be much of an angel if you did.

[There's always a moment where he feels that they've moved on from a serious discussion, and this is it for him. He adjusts slightly, listing to the side so he can rest his cheek against Aziraphale's thigh.]

Mm, you only need the occasional rescue.

Every couple of centuries or so. Very occasional.

[He combs his fingers through his hair and spreads it out over his thigh.]

From what you've said I won't be due another for a good long while. Although, you never know.

[He's back to coy. Privately, he's proud of both of them. They navigated treacherous water better than they usually do. Part of that has to come from not truly having a habitual place to retreat. He can create the illusion of the bookshop here. It isn't his bookshop. They aren't in London. Crowley can't swan off to France for a month or two of sulking.

And. As urgently as in the past eleven years, they still need each other now. To be on the same page. To understand what they're doing with all the rules changed. He is old. It's a hard adjustment. He doubts it's any easier for Crowley.

He continues the soft stroking while the thoughts drift.]

[Crowley makes a soft, pleased sound at that.]

Not planning to get in trouble just so I have to come save you, are you? I was right about that being a kink for you.

[If Aziraphale is going to be coy, Crowley will tease him in turn.

At least this dynamic is familiar, even if things are changed, even if he never would have been able to do this back home, lay his head in Aziraphale's lap and allow him to stroke his hair.

It's worth having to have all the difficult conversations.]

Not here, darling.

[A little softer. Here they can both be hurt, and he'd be a fool to forget it. No game is worth that risk, not when he now has the freedom just to invite him over.]

I'll have to find some suitable substitute for the thrill, won't I?

[Because he doesn't want to turn it right back dark and serious again.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject